After so many months of soul-searching, I was surprised to see once more how deep the belief of love ‚being over suddenly‘ is still burried inside of me. My suspicion of love being like a box of chocolate (that will be emptied for good at some point) is very similar to the fears of death I had a few years ago.
At that point, I was suspicious of every breath I took – will it be my last?, will my heart suddenly forget how to beat?, can I trust my body? … I think it came from the amazement at the miracle of life itself. I understand how life works (hearts beating, brains coordinating, lungs breathing); and the physical background of it is already amazing enough. But where does it come from, what holds it together to begin with? It is a great big miracle, and maybe I am (or was) suspicious because of that. If I don’t understand how come I am here and alive, if there’s no chance for me to control or know that, and when it could all be over just as suddenly as it begun – how can I relax?
I think, the healing happened when I started to understand that life is nothing that starts and ends, that it is perpetual transition, and that I can not die. This is when listening to my heart beat stopped being like listening to a death knell, and I actually started to trust and feel at home in my ephemeral body.
In a sense, it’s the same with love. I understand the mechanics of relationships. I understand the process of feeding and sustaining it through communication, trust, growth, prayer, the will to build bridges… I understand the ‚heart‘, the ‚brain‘, the ‚lungs‘ of a relationship.
But where does a relationship come from? How come it ever happened? Why these exact two people, and – to me this is the most miraculous thing of all – how come that the life two people share transcends their individual beings, that it becomes an entity of its own? Who gives life and shape to this entity? It’s not the two people alone, there’s something more involved, and it’s so big, I sometimes feel too clumsy to handle it! I guess the healing will happen when I not only understand, but feel and know in my heart that love is not something given to or taken from people, but that it’s a fact, and that it’s always there.
I have had glimpses again and again of the core of our beings, and I have been blessed with moments when I felt that love is the stuff we’re made of. These moments of understanding did not happen ‚up in the clouds‘ – because true love is not pink and fluffy and ’nice‘ all the time – but in fact, they were some of the most grounding experiences I ever had.
When I root myself into these facts more and more, this will be the time when I can start to relax into my feelings for the man I love, and accept that – like with heartbeats – there’s a pause after each culmination. And not be afraid anymore that my love for him will suddenly die, like a lung ceases breathing, or a heart stops beating. (Weirdly enough I don’t worry about my ‚general love‘, my love for the world, the human race.)
This is a journey that takes some time. I have had plenty of experiences where love and life proved to me that they always prevail, but apparently it takes more to let Experience become Wisdom of the Heart. I’m young…