It’s a humbling experience for a Yogini and Yoga-teacher to face structures of Control and Adherence chaining her since … oh, a very long time. It is humbling for me to see how little I have been living from my Heart so far, and how dependent I made myself of circumstances and people around me.
But if you’re not the Yogini in question, I guess you would simply call that comical.
The past week I oscillate between moments of complete surrender to the Eternity and Presence of Life itself, and then – well, moments where everything I taste/see/hear/touch and think of seems utterly, totally meaningless.
The process I’m into now is to fill myself more and more, and to expose myself to Life, to all beings around me, and to the Human condition especially, which includes incertainty and pain.
I am brought face to face with the patterns in my mind that I created, hoping to avoid pain and uncertainty; patterns that made up rules and meaning for every little thing that I thought and did, and for every little thing happening around me.
Growing up in a family where I experienced the possibility of my parents breaking up as a constant threat, the possibility of ‚loosing‘ someone and having to let go of a shattered dream were always dreadful to me.
As a kid and adolescent, I used to be the most cinical little brat concerning relationships, marriage, and commitment.
Then, of course, the underlying ’need‘ for these things in my life had to surface. Like anyone, I split myself into myriads of sub-personalities; I ‚consumed‘ boys hoping to find something like ‚true love‘ the way I imagined it past then; I tried to put life and my feelings into neat and predictable little boxes.
I see now that many times, my relationships were not so much a coming together of free individuals, but an avoidance of that awful feeling of break-up.
I went so far as to think I’d prefer NOT to enter a relationship if I knew it wouldn’t last forever. :)
What this did/does to my relationships with people, I need not elaborate. What this does to ME is quite unpleasant as well.
I have called for liberation for my entire being, et voilà, I got it. This week I felt it started showing me all the ways in which I have cut myself away from the Truth of my being (which is God), from Unity, from Enjoyment and Acceptance.
Clinging on with all my might to how my love life should evolve, I cut away all slight possibilities for my appreciation of everything I am and have. Living in the past and dreading the future, every step I took became meaningless, half-hearted and weak.
I am so obsessed with finding the one concept or idea that will provide my ultimate answer, that I miss out on the comfort and nurturing offered to me every moment of the day – if only I were willing to let go.
There is however another Me emerging, and when She appears it is with irresistible magnificence. She pulls me right into the center of my senses, of my Presence, she fills me with the beauty of Life and appreciation just for where I am. She stops all thought and worry, she makes me laugh at the stars, she makes me curious about the next turn in my life, the white page, the unknown. She puts me right back to where I’ve always been, in God’s arms, she makes me mighty and incredibly strong. She puts me back amongst people, one of them, not higher or lower as when I’m full of grief and worry. And most of all, she makes me rejoice in everything, and truly taste the nectar of the present moment.
How to make room for her more, this is what I’ve been pondering this past week.
The answer is quite simple; I have to give myself to people. But I admit I was puzzled – What does giving mean?
This morning, I felt terribly sad – I prayed, I surrendered everything, but still, nothing really changed. I sat downstairs with my brother in the living room, reading some newspaper article about vintage fashion (whatever that is, I still don’t understand). And then he started talking to me about things going through his mind – small things, unimportant things compared to that huge, oppressive ‚weltschmerz‘ clouding my being.
And I to climb over that immense wall of grief and fear, and meet him on the other side. I listened, I reached out with all my heart to that kind being on the sofa opposite me.
I could feel fire-woman awakening inside. It was all good. The world went from bleak to colorful. The nonsense on the radio, the chit-chat of the birds outside, the easy conversation with my brother suddenly had meaning.
There was love and bonding, there were no things to worry about except the next little step, there was Presence.
I remained in this state for two hours or so, then reverted back to fearful and stressed out.
Thankfully, life constantly provides more training ground for me to wake up Fire-Woman. Going to a family meeting now.
Pizza and beers, cheers and hooray!