I spent the last weekend with a group of 7 women in a log cabin up in the mountains. It was my Yoga teacher’s farewell to her good friends and students before she’s leaving for her trip around the world…
It had been a long time that I was with women in a closed environment like that, and I was looking forward to the experience with mixed feelings.
I’ve been very insecure, not to say uncomfortable, in the presence of girls/women for a long time. I used to be afraid to connect. I felt awkward and unable to take part in the conversations and the group experience. I often felt like a fraud – like a guy who sneaked in at a girls-only Pajama Party – only without feeling that this would be a dream come true. ;-)
Before leaving last weekend, I noticed the worry coming up. This time, I was really willing to try another approach and actually find a way to let myself enjoy the company of women.
Some days before, I had a „vision“ of my cut-off Feminine.
I understand the Feminine to be the receptive, responsive, nurturing, and accepting aspect of my being.
I noticed that without it,I tend to work too hard, without ever fully receiving the reward. It’s as if I’m never good enough for myself. And around women, this was expressed as a refusal to accept their love, friendship and affection. How could they love me, just because it’s me?!
So, when I left last weekend, I decided I would let the True Feminine stand up inside and reach out, help, and nurture in a manner that was true to me. And I thought that I’d recognize the truth when I felt the energy flowing back to me, allowing myself to bond with other women.
The last day, we tried some AcroYoga, a kind of (acrobatic) partner Yoga where you literally „take off“, balancing on your partner’s feet and performing poses suspended up in the air.
The experience was quite transformative. It opened up a whole new meaning of „Offering to the Feminine“.
To my surprise, I found I’m a quite strong, stable and flexible base, both physically and psychologically. I’m much stronger and more responsive than I suspected!
I overcame my fear/reluctance to come into touch with the feminine qualities of my own being, embodied in another woman.
Initially, having my AcroYoga-partner being „dependent“ on me so much made me uncomfortable and reluctant. I guess that just reflected my disgust regarding my own dependent and needy parts. My past reaction was to dissociate, give up on myself and throw myself away.
I need to be so much more respectful towards this sometimes utterly needy and even hysterical „Malnourished Female“, as if it were a girl I’m balancing on my two feet.
But after a while the fact that I could support another woman, make her feel safe to explore, play and relax, and be responsive to her movements and needs was deeply nurturing.
So the cure for my Feminine dawned on me doing AcroYoga: support, connect and respond. I’ll keep connecting until my Feminine side – the still dependent one – can settle in her own place, and soar like an eagle.
My dependency is slowly transforming into trust, openness and acceptance. Taking whatever ground I’m standing on and make something out of it.
My dissociation and disgust regarding neediness are slowly morphing into stability and the joy of reaching out and providing safety until I can express, feel accepted, and become whole.
Until both Male and Female blend into a beautiful whole in which the giver and receiver can not be discerned anymore.